A Lil' More Red

Dear Red,
I am writing to you because I am currently eating a frozen pizza that isn't completely thawed, while drinking from a glass that appears to have some type of growth at the bottom. The problem is I can't take care of myself. I really need someone who can help me pick out my clothes, cook my frozen pizza's and wash my towels. I have thought about getting married, but no one seems to be interested in the position. What can I do?
Helpless

Dear Gavin,
I think perhaps you have a literacy problem. You do know they put heating instructions on the back of the box, right? Listen, being helpless is super cute…if you're a puppy. But come on man; get up and wash your glass - that's just not healthy.

What would your mother say?
Red